EXPECTATIONS
My client’s initial contact with me met my expectations. An email requesting a F2F meeting and outlining the issues
she wished to explore. In her mail however she explained that she worked abroad for many months of the year and would consider continuing via online counselling. We had three F2F sessions, a fortnight apart and then a week apart, and established a useful working alliance. At this point my client was returning overseas and we agreed that she would contact me once settled into her role abroad.
So I waited. And I waited.
decided that I was mistaken and that my client and I had not established a useful working alliance. And then out of the ether appeared a mail in July – more than four months later! My client requested a counselling session soon and queried whether she should pay for the session before or after receipt.
I was pleased to be back in contact and promptly (next day) responded with all the necessary details for us to work online together, including that payment would be required before a response would be sent, which I called a framework. Silence again for another month then the first email from my client arrived. Hard on its heels arrived payment. I acknowledged receipt. The next day a second, short mail arrived. Ironically my email developed a malfunction and I was unable to respond until a day after out agreement. I was able to let the client know of the problem and indeed send my response only 24 hours late. Additionally I stated that I would not charge for the exchange as I had been unable to keep to the contracted arrangement. I looked forward to the clients response.
So I waited. And I waited. For nearly four months!
And then out of the ether appeared a second mail in late Nov – nearly three months later. In addition it gave dates when my client would be back in the UK and requested a F2F appointment. I responded promptly identifying a F2F appointment time within the constraints the client had explained and offering empathy regarding the developments in her situation. At the time of writing I was intending to respond more fully within the terms of our contract. However when it came to it, I couldn’t do so. The clients second mail updated me regarding what had happened in the preceding six months. There was no reference to my response to her first mail, beyond a thank you. When I tried to write I found myself wondering about the point as my client appeared to write with no thought to a dialogue. I delayed in the expectation that my feeling would change. It did not, however. I did not respond.
The date of our F2F meeting loomed. In my mind I was clear that we needed to speak about the frequency of online contact as in my experience the alliance needs to be nourished if it is to survive,let alone develop. Further I needed/wanted to speak with my client about the content of exchanges. Ten minutes into the allotted session time I texted my client who had not arrived. I received no response. Six days later I emailed the client expressing my surprise at her non attendance and concern that nothing serious prevented her attending.
Hello ?, I hope all is well with you and I’m sorry you were unable to keep our appointment last Wednesday. I texted you at the time but received no response. Inevitably I wonder what is behind your non attendance. I am aware that your partner was joining you the following week. Had you kept our appointment I would have made no charge (to compensate for the first mail) and discussed with you the nature of our work together. The later is significant as I am unsure as to the usefulness of contact with large time gaps. Counselling is all about building a relationship and to do that we have to be in contact. I hope this makes sense to you. As you did not attend (I charge for non attendance) we are now neither of us in the other’s debt. I hope very much that your partner goes ahead in seeking help with regard to his issue. I think your experience of feeling ready to walk away (had he not agreed to seek treatment) fully understandable. I hope you can be compassionate to yourself regarding this feeling; it is not uncommon on a situation similar to your own and an ultimatum can be the only way. Having not heard from you since ? I imagine you have decided to end your counselling. I apologise if I have done something to cause this decision. If you wish to continue, with more contact between us, then I am happy to do so after discussing fully together how the contact I refer to works. I’m sure your aunt (a counsellor!) will be able also to explain this to you. Kind regards,
A few days later I received an email response assuring me I had done nothing wrong. Relief. Quite reasonably the client expressed the desire to think about whether or not she could commit to further counselling. I responded acknowledging the appropriateness of this.
So I am waiting. I am waiting. To date …………………….
This experience caused me to wonder about the setting of expectations. Naturally they are set by our experience. So far my experience of online counselling is that of clients regularly writing a mail each week. Neither have I read anything about clients who contact infrequently. How can this behaviour be understood?
Well possible explanations:
– the client is perhaps ambivalent with regard to counselling.
– the client is ignorant as to the nature of online counselling.
– the behaviour is the online equivalent of the client who simply talk and talk in sessions ‘dumping’ their stuff on/with the counsellor.
– I, the counsellor, am simply ignorant of the vicissitudes of this client’s professional role.
What do you think?
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